Valentines at the zoo –

Went to the zoo today, Valentines, the zoo, alone. Maybe not the best idea but I was trying to emancipate myself with my sons increasing need to be more independent.

It was a long ride but it was quiet, no working radio in my aging Nissan, and it was quite pleasant with little traffic. That is until I got to the zoo, suddenly I was in a huge line of cars trying to get in, which started my aggravation.

After getting in and finding a parking space, I realize how alone I was. It’s funny; sometimes it’s good to be alone, sometimes there is that feeling of independence and

The problem is I realize how much the zoo is a family thing. I watched my life in different stages, I saw the new couples together, the new moms and dads sharing their duties and the old family that seems to have a system down the neatly packed carts full of baby and child items. I was haunted by the days I used to bring both my sons to the zoo and I missed that point in my life.

I hate to admit it but I was kind of bored, something I rarely say, maybe it was because I had been there so many times before or that it was so crowded there were no peaceful moments to enjoy nature and the animals. There was no one to share the animals with, no need to see any specific animal, no rush, no anticipation, I didn’t even get enough gumption to find the lions even though I could hear them roar.

Instead of enjoying the zoo I looked at the elephants as if they were being hounded and gawked at by patrons much like paparazzi. The people didn’t know any better, you go to a zoo, you enjoy the animals but from my state of mind I saw animals that were on display on some strange reality show where they were expected to act like animals unfortunately they were in captivity. You couldn’t hide the smells of the rhinos, the cold concrete enclosures, the foreign objects turned into play toys.

Probably for the first time at the zoo I felt more sorry for the animals instead of in awe. Maybe I related to them from my state of being-not fitting in, not in my natural environment-now being divorced and now even the identity of dad becoming irrelevant. I was the elephant in the concrete enclosure, I didn’t belong there, I was acting like myself but I just didn’t feel like I belonged there or anywhere for that matter.

In the end I had a full day of fresh air, realized I need a telephoto lens and had that feeling of introspection you can only get when your alone. Next time I may just hire a family or maybe bribe my son to go to the zoo just one more time.