An Unsigned Portrait - This portrait I will never sign, it was never mine. Even though the colors are
familiar and the strokes are uniquely a piece of me, I have barely laid a brush
on the canvas. In fact, more of my flaws you will see than any of my strengths.
I have stood in awe, as this work became itself. I have not even the slightest
knowledge nor understanding of the medium and yet I welcomed the idea of
creating it, a small piece of the artist is that which is created as just a
whisper, not too much detail and yet enough to clarify the artists vision.
In this particular work, I must admit the painting has taught me more than I
could ever explain. Now as it becomes theirs’, a work that will be shared with
the world, I seem to be more clueless than ever before.
I can’t articulate the purpose or vision; it is so far beyond the comprehension
of a mere artist. The strokes I have taken in recent seem more discordant than
ever, it seems I can only damage the canvas and being an artist and a creative
person seems more like a detriment than a virtue.
I am clumsy, my colors are unsure and even worse than all of this, I am so
irrelevant. And yet the finishing touches beg for my attention. I keep my
distance, I sort of need to these days because the closer I get to perfecting
the masterpiece, the more I realize it has nothing to do with me and it is not
mine. So I won’t be signing this canvas, I wont be taking a bow to the audience
no more than I could stand in judgment of my lack of skill-the painting has
become itself, I have been barely present and yet the lack of myself has meant
everything in its creation.
I won’t sign this work, I will leave it to the audience to decide and they will
finish it. They will never see the beauty I see, nor understand its amazing
virtue-only I can see this and my deep love for it has made me the worst critic.
I can only judge myself in its shadow and I never come up as nothing but a hack
painter, a novice, a word smith without words to describe… so this painting,
this beautiful amazing painting will never be signed.
On the Road-Movie Review : I watched On the Road Today- a story by Jack
On the Road-Movie Review : I watched On the Road Today- a story by Jack
Kerouac, what struck me more than the actual texture of the film was the underlying theme. First off, I realize why critics like movies that can seem boring from the surface, I believe it’s more the texture of the film, the interaction between characters and the interplay of scene and character, this is only a theory.
The beginning of the film deals withthe free spirit of the beatnik generation. You could sense a lack of purpose and the desperate need for it. Drugs, jazz and conversation fill the gaps of boredom as a group of would be writers search for purpose in 1947 New York. Each character yearns for inspiration on the brink of killing themselves or enjoying the absolute rapture of sex, drugs and jazz and not finding fulfillment with either avenue.
I was bored in the first part of the movie, a boredom that after watching the whole movie was actually empathy for characters seeking fulfillment through various reckless avenues and coming up empty. I can relate to the feeling of searching for that which feeds the soul.
My interest grew with the traveling portion, a passion I could truly relate with. I think there is a common bond among writers, an intense need to experience. Desperation for changing atmosphere, to see new places and learn new things about your surroundings and ultimately the self in relation.
To me, there is no greater adventure than the road. It brings solitude and introspection all highlighted by an ever-changing environment. I love how mountains begin as distant phantoms and grow to dwarf the traveler. I love the first smell of the ocean or how a city or small town disappears as the speed limit increases and you realize how much open space separates town and city. I enjoy finding out of the way diners, holes in the wall, people who are passing through or the regular fixtures of a diner or pub.
I love to listen to peoples stories, how their town used to be, how there’s no barbecue like this place left, A barbecue place in Knoxville or an amazing little diner in Bakersfield. You connect the dots, you realize freedom is just a walk outside your house and beyond the walls of your life, this I believe is a writers’ paradise.
Unfortunately for the writer, the truth bites hard, the fact that there must be some form of conformity, due to the innate need for financing the road. Freedom is not free, it is a choice that can cost us everything, and there can be much suffering in not conforming to the standard programmed life. We must balance our freedom and ability not to be tied down by our highly demanding lives, relationships and the cost of being free to roam.
We must be realistic with who we are-we must balance relationships, family and finances. Just like Free Love was a farce the ability to not be tied down by anything has its drawbacks. The characters in On the Road experience the pain of wanting to be free and how we hurt those we included in our lives, Nothing is perfect, from the corporate man that keeps one job to the traveler who ties themselves to nowhere-there are drawbacks and costs to each.
In the end, you see the selfishness that costs one writer everything and the wisdom of the other character conforming to some of societies contracts.I believe there is a possibility of compromise between the two lives.
I have seen people that live outside the corporate and programmed life, there is a feeling of elation in the succeeding on your own terms but there are also the life pangs which I consider necessary to feel alive.
There is nothing more amazing than the difference between having to rely on meager sustenance, the ramen noodle diet and splurging for an amazing meal, Just as warmth is never such a blessing than from someone who has felt the cold deep in ones bones. I believe the extremes are the only way we can truly enjoy the full breadth of our lives. So for those that get out on the road, figuratively or literally, enjoy the pangs, they will give way to rapture in the elation of succeeding on our own terms.
Experimental photography – I am in a holding pattern at the moment. It’s like having something on the tip of your tongue, something that is just outside your memory, a word you have problems remembering. I am having a creative slump but at the same time I can almost envision the next paintings and the new writing.
I have been looking at older paintings and there is a sense of detail that I think I have relaxed a bit on in recent paintings. I am excited about creating water with the feeling that you can touch the bottom.
There are many paintings that are floating around the studio, each in different stages of completion-I sit in front of them and nothing. You just can’t force it when there is nothing there, no images, no feelings and yet the impetus is strong.
So today on a snowy day in February I photographed. I tried to see things that weren’t obvious.
I experimented with the winter Jasmine in the front yard in a way that I could captured its essence, I experimented with several Fstops for varying depth of field. So I can’t say I’m completely satisfied but the inspiration and the creativity is getting closer, it’s just a matter of time until I start painting and writing furiously.
I even messed with some old oranges, I liked the rich colors of the oranges with the cold winter background. The fact that they didn’t quite fit in the winter landscape is what I thought was interesting.
Next, I shot inside and adjusted the images until they were almost artwork instead of photos. From the teens addiction to the cell phone to the study of a red couch in the snow, I was just trying to be open to anything that presented itself.
I am excited about shooting much more in the near future and hope to have many photographs of our upcoming trip. Stay tuned.
Achieving the impossible – It would be a foolish task to aim at the impossible and yet people that do tend to reach heights their piers can only dream about. These days it seems mediocrity is more noble than achieving your dreams.
There is something about those unique minds that don’t seem to realize they are attempting something that is not only unlikely but to many impossible. I applaud those that seem foolish enough to succeed at their dreams because of one very important flaw in their character: Naivety.
If someone never questions if they will succeed they often either learn lessons in not succeeding or succeed even beyond their expectations.
Self doubt is the weight we voluntarily carry, it allows us to give up. The excuse is a wonderful benefit of self-doubt, it allows us to stop running the race before it even starts.
Common obstacles:
Excuses, Excuses: If we live on excuses we never have to do anything out of our comfort zone. Success is impossible-what is the point of chasing after pipe dreams. Grow up and stop dreaming, excuses are the drug we use when we’ve given up on what we want for fear of failure.
Blaming others: Blaming others allows us to skirt the issue, it’s not our fault we failed, we’re just not lucky, we weren’t born rich, we weren’t born with options others have.
Self-doubt: If we spend so much time explaining why our idea won’t work we’ve already given up before we started. There is a beauty in those foolish enough to proceed even when the odds are against them.
Expectations and reliance on others: If you expect a hand out from anyone, you are doomed to put your life in a holding pattern. It is the obstacle that allows us to procrastinate, it takes all the control and the blame off our shoulders and assigns just reasons why we can’t achieve the impossible.
Afraid of work or sacrifice: Few successful people accidentally succeed, they work for what they have, and they chase their passions tirelessly. They are fully committed and their passion allows them to sacrifice the time and effort necessary to succeed.
A lack of passion: We often chase a dream that may be programmed by well meaning parents or a job that ensures wealth or a life of ease. The problem with this tendency to live a programmed life is a lack of passion-how do you work tirelessly if you have no passion in the act of the pursuit nor full understanding of what the end game means. Wealth will not make you happy, chasing your dreams and seeking your passion will.
We must be realistic but not in the pursuit of our dreams instead realistic in who we are-what is our passion, what would fulfill our lives and make us content. I once thought I wanted to be a travel photographer and yet during the years of raising a family, the last thing I would want was to be away from them. The goals and dreams we seek must be in line with the people we are and that we only learn through time and experience.
My advice, shoot for the moon, be foolish enough to succeed, live a passionate life full of learning, exploring and adventure. We only grow old when we give up the great adventure, so start your book, start a screenplay or make plans for the Oscars, the sky is the limit and the only limit is your drive, passion and imagination.
I am at a bad time in my road tripping life. My son would rather be home than out and about-he blames it on the money we spend but I know better. We’re getting closer to the time when he will have a job and the possibilities get smaller and more narrowed. I”m not doing good with this but I am all about compromise.
Our next trip is a sized down trip from last year. A simple trip to Oklahoma-I feel like Clark Griswald having visions of grandeur while my son just wants to go camping. I want to go to the top of Oklahoma and while we’re there maybe this and maybe that. Suddenly four hours is too far, I have rolling eyes and frustration the greater the scope of the trip that I envision.
What happened to the days when I would just plan everything and he would simply show up. I think I liked the lack of concern for the amount of money that was being spent compared to my new and improved frugal teen.
This brings me to the reason why we and maybe selfishly I do this. A road trip to me is the epitome of freedom, I don’t feel any more free than when I am finding places I’ve never seen and going places I’ve never been.
So assuming it were just a selfish act of going and exploring, I took my own day yesterday to go the zoo and explore. Unfortunately I’ve learned a large portion of the trip was the company, the sharing of moments, the excitement and funny things that happen. The lessons no one could teach unless you experience them together and learn from them together.
I’m not trying to be sad and morose-this is a time in our lives and just what I have planned for and hoped for; an independent child; mission accomplished. I’ve always described the parenting role as the spring board, we are supposed to teach them to stand on their own and in doing so they become independent, successful adults.
I celebrate this time, I don’t have to love it but I do celebrate it. There will be plenty of time for more road tripping and exploration but in the future maybe we’ll have even deeper more profound adventures. I look forward to grand kids…..a long way out of course….teaching them and preparing them for that next incredible feeling of being free to roam. Who knows what their journeys and adventures will bring back, I can just imagine a full refrigerator door filled with magnets.
Went to the zoo today, Valentines, the zoo, alone. Maybe not the best idea but I was trying to emancipate myself with my sons increasing need to be more independent.
It was a long ride but it was quiet, no working radio in my aging Nissan, and it was quite pleasant with little traffic. That is until I got to the zoo, suddenly I was in a huge line of cars trying to get in, which started my aggravation.
After getting in and finding a parking space, I realize how alone I was. It’s funny; sometimes it’s good to be alone, sometimes there is that feeling of independence and
freedom of answering to no one, this was not one of those times.
The problem is I realize how much the zoo is a family thing. I watched my life in different stages, I saw the new couples together, the new moms and dads sharing their duties and the old family that seems to have a system down the neatly packed carts full of baby and child items. I was haunted by the days I used to bring both my sons to the zoo and I missed that point in my life.
I hate to admit it but I was kind of bored, something I rarely say, maybe it was because I had been there so many times before or that it was so crowded there were no peaceful moments to enjoy nature and the animals. There was no one to share the animals with, no need to see any specific animal, no rush, no anticipation, I didn’t even get enough gumption to find the lions even though I could hear them roar.
Instead of enjoying the zoo I looked at the elephants as if they were being hounded and gawked at by patrons much like paparazzi. The people didn’t know any better, you go to a zoo, you enjoy the animals but from my state of mind I saw animals that were on display on some strange reality show where they were expected to act like animals unfortunately they were in captivity. You couldn’t hide the smells of the rhinos, the cold concrete enclosures, the foreign objects turned into play toys.
Probably for the first time at the zoo I felt more sorry for the animals instead of in awe. Maybe I related to them from my state of being-not fitting in, not in my natural environment-now being divorced and now even the identity of dad becoming irrelevant. I was the elephant in the concrete enclosure, I didn’t belong there, I was acting like myself but I just didn’t feel like I belonged there or anywhere for that matter.
In the end I had a full day of fresh air, realized I need a telephoto lens and had that feeling of introspection you can only get when your alone. Next time I may just hire a family or maybe bribe my son to go to the zoo just one more time.
Studying Details – The subtle intricacies of the appearance of water is easily overdone. When you look at a droplet you can over think and over render trying to achieve the clarity. I have learned that a simple and limited wash of color and light are more effective and often painting what you actually see is harder than what you logically think you see.
The problem in capturing water is that you don’t paint the droplet itself, instead you paint what is around the droplet and how the colors and light change in relation to the object.
When the logical brain sees an image it tends to fill in the gaps and details with what it assumes.
When rendering water effects, it can easily become overworked when you paint what you think it should look like instead of what you actually see.
A droplet is a very simple object actually. There is a soft dark shadow that is the color of what is beneath the droplet. Next there is the body of the droplet which is usually a gradation from the shadow on the surface, highlights alone one edge and a faint outline of light and a droplet is successfully rendered.
Artbygordon: Original oils on canvas, Original pastels on paper celebrating the beauty and mystery of nature. Water and night skies are my specialties.
