I am not a mortalist, I state that now and I’ll explain it further as most of you have never heard of a mortalist. It all started five years ago or so, although I’m not sure of the first time or date where I heard the news. A woman was disinterred because they were trying to prove her death was caused by a diet drug called Thin-2WIN-of course every one insists that we are all the same and it doesn’t matter what size or shape we come in-everyone had flocked to this diet drug that insisted that it took the pounds off and it no one could argue it did the job.

The lawyers and doctors had almost collapsed in shock as the woman sat up and asked, does this coffin make my hips look too thin or maybe it was can I get a cheeseburger? There were lots of rumors and hearsay but they all took a backseat to the fact that a woman had literally come back from the dead. I know you are asking but what about the embalming fluid-she complained of its discomfort and there are drug manufacterers insisting they can fix that. The culprit diet drug was soon taken off the market and coffins were being disinterred even faster than they were being put in the ground.

First thing that happened in result of the mass of new bodies and social security numbers that were being brought back was a new career choice-the mortal lawyer was born. There were many insurance payments in limbo and lawsuits for wrongful death were being overturned. The government stopped all their customary lawmaking and went into a new role of laws for hypermortals- a new term that was just getting included in the webster dictionary. The guinness book of world records now had to have a new division of its record books because the rules were different as a new species of mortals were born.

One law that was enacted was a law that stated all deceased people were not to be burried but put in a small box, large enough not to make them uncomfortable but small enough not be an eyesore to the public, also there were mandatory releases inside because it was cruel to burry a zombie and for those that weren’t quite ready to come back to life, there were books and movies that had to be included during the burial. Cremation became an ugly word and their was the discussion where did life truelly end, words like grays and hybermortals became passe. No one dared to use the word coffin or casket, the term to use was secondary dwelling or cryb- kind of a cross between a crib and crypt. There were new businesses being spawned, making new homes for the undead, burrial plots were being resold again and again. The diet drug of course was taken off the market being replaced with a new improved drug called Thin-2-reallyWIN- it was the same drug but it really took the pounds off. The whole scope of the human appearance was changing-certain advertising like gray is beautiful, not just mortal hypermortal-beauty is only flesh deep. Not all hypermortals ate brains as in the old stereotypical undead image but some did. It became a crime to talk against them, after all they had already died and they needed to be respected instead of maligned.

This brings me to today-my daughter brings a zombie-oh I’m sorry, a hypermortal home. I must admit again not a prejudice thing but I never liked them. They really smell bad and it’s hard to talk with someone whose jaw falls into your mashed potatoes at the dinner table, awkward takes a whole new meaning. My daughter insists he’s got the bluest eyes she’s ever seen, I told her it was the fading of the cornea post mortem but she insists they’re beautiful. She said they are the windows to the soul, I just told her that he needed to stop sharing the remnants of his soul at my dinner table. Of course I was seen by the whole family as rude and judgemental.

After a piece of his jaw fell into the mashed potatoes, I tried desperately to change the subject, I asked what he used to do when he was……ok there was this long pause and more awkardness. My daughter interjected that he was a contractor before his accident, she insisted I feel what was left of his bicep-I called it rigormortis, she called it a lean toned arm. He said he was unemployed at the moment because grays just don’t get the good jobs these days. I wondered of his prospects but he seemed a bit close mouthed, well as close mouthed as he could be having lost the bottom of his jaw. I will also comment on the fact that he stared a lot-kind of zombie like-but again I was seen as rude and judgemental. You can understand how I ended the dinner when he mentioned that he loved the fact that my daughter really had great brains-I know what he meant but I just couldn’t take it anymore and that was the end of our cordial dinner.

Since than we have never completely recovered as a family, they tend to stay at their crypt-I’m sorry cryb-it’s a small place that they say they are happy living in but I just thought my daughter deserved more. He has since got a job at a carnival as the living dead guy but since the anti-prejudice ordinances went into effect-he lost his job. So I ask you-how would you feel if your daughter brought home a hypermortalist-I don’t care what you call them, they are a bit creepy and I don’t see any future for him and my daughter-he’s a cold hearted bastard and if that makes me an antimortalist than guilty as charge-signed a concerned father-I’ve wondered where we will have the wedding at a church or a cemetery and what do you bring as far as gifts? so many new intricacies in this brave new world-what’s a dad to do?